Oh Eff

Gosh freaking dammnit. Kerlyn inspires me (:

I hope you're happy after reading this. [This isn't to evoke any type of emotion from anybody, well except one person. I hope they read this. Then I'm fucking done.]

Born to parents who were war refuges who came to this country with $40. Grew up in the streets of D.C, and it's not as pretty as many people think. Parents didn't know English, so guess who was translator ever since I entered school.

Third grade, dad suffered a brain tumor. It was the size of an egg. Spent years in hospital rooms and rehab with my dad, scared, didn't know what was happening. I thought he was going to die. Ate McDonalds every night for months because mom had to work, dad was in the hospital. Surgery after surgery. Feed him through a tube in his mouth, drained the blood from side of his head from the tumor, accompanied him to all of his doctor appointments so I could speak for him, all at 9-11 years old. Dad is slow now, bad temper too, I had to become accustomed to it. Aunt came from Vietnam, again, I was translator. She went back and forth from country to country over a span of years. Mom did/does nails in a salon converted from my garage, dad didn't/doesn't work. Money you ask? Wasn't there.

Years later mom's appendix blew up. Not usually a big deal, except doctors fucked up. Opened on the wrong side, put her intestines back in tangled. Came home 3 days later then went right back in for weeks. She was the source of income, the driver, the doer. So what happened? Relied on other people for things such as going to the store to buy TV dinners and premade breakfasts. Slept for nights in the hospital, spent spring break curled up on a small couch in the room. Finally home, I did everything. Dad suffered a brain tumor, mom was still recovering, who else was there?

Brought home a C once. That didn't go over well. Bs aren't even accepted in this household. A-s get questioned. A lapse in judgement and my grades suffered poorly. Tried hard to please my parents, I was their only one. All of their expectations piled on me. Their hopes and dreams, what they never got, they wanted for me. All day long it's about school school school. They enstilled in me that I would be a doctor when I grew up. That's not what I want anymore. I want to follow my own passions and dreams, but I didn't have the heart to tell them. I don't even know now. I just know that I'll never get a C again.

Mom went to the emergency room two more times. Once I had to call an ambulance for her. Dad went to the emergency room another time only several years ago.

You try being a kid when you know a hospital floor plan by heart, a new person takes you from school to the hospital every day, you administer medicine for your parents daily, you tube feed your dad, drain his blood for him, you have to calm your mom down after she has hallucinations from her new meds, you have to call to schedule your parents' doctor appointments, you fill out their forms, you care for them because they're your parents.

Aunt married, then in 2007 had a baby girl, Emily. Uncle had cancer at the time. It was a cell cancer in his lung, very rare, few treatments. He died earlier this summer. Mom was busy, dad couldn't help, so I went to live with them. Aunt was unstable for weeks, I helped raise Emily. I watched her, fed her, played with her, cared for her, while trying to help my aunt fend off bill collectors and heal. I cared for Emily so much, I am now in my aunt's will. Should anything happen to her and I am over 18, I will be Emily's legal guardian. Above her Godparents, above my own mother, I am first to have Emily.

My parents are yes, my parents. They feed me, they clothe me, etc. They are great. But I don't run to them for my problems as assumed. Dad has a temper, why would I want to infuriate him. Mom is independent, doesn't believe in being weak. I had pride too, why would I cry to anyone who would listen. Yes, I was by my fucking self. Nobody was there, it was all fake concern. I perfected the art of crying. Cry in the shower, that way there's no difference when you come out. Dab your eyes with tissues so you don't make them red. Put your glasses on, it conceals it. No, I didn't run to people. What people did I have?

Before making specific assumptions, you should should stop contradicting yourself and get it straight.

That's what I think (: