on love and experience

I'm in love again. it's been awhile and it scared the shit out of me to be honest. Over the past year, I became cold and distant. I figured everyone who seemed interested had a motive. Those who seem genuine uninterested me. I didn't trust anybody and I never got my hopes up. I did that before and it fucked me over harder than I expected it to.

I'm happy right now. he makes me smile when I feel like crying. he doesn't let me stew around in my sadness, he remembers the things I tell him, and he makes sure I always feel loved. our relationship is effortless. yet deep down, some little part of me still comes out to try to sabotage everything. I just get into my head and start doubting my choices. sometimes I think I'd be better off single. but the thing is, my life is perfect the way it is now.

it's just something I need to work on. I need to not doubt myself. I need to not doubt him. trusting someone is difficult but I don't want to ruin what I have with some deep-rooted trust issues I developed during a year of getting lost in the world. getting hurt would suck... and it is a possibility but it's worth the risk. I would rather see things all the way through then give up early and always think, "what if?"

but still, I try to sabotage myself. it's my biggest flaw.

22

oh yeah, I turned 22 last month.

a lot has changed since 21. like the people who are in my life. I whole-heartedly love everyone I consider a friend right now. no more fake people, no more snakes, no more people who befriended me based on their own motives. everyone in my life right now cares about me and I wouldn't have it any other way.

21 was a shitshow.

22 is going to be my year.

is this real life?

it's been almost exactly four months since I made predictions about my life. well... here's where I'm at today:

moved into a 2-story townhome in Des Moines with Morgan from high school. it's near the Marina. 5 minutes from the freeway. north of Kent. it's spacious and cute and everything I could have asked for as far as living quarters in my early 20's go.

I got a fulltime job at Nordstrom Direct. I'm a Customer Service Specialist, meaning I take calls about everything anyone could ever ask of Nordstrom. the paychecks are nice and I work in downtown Seattle.

I met someone. he is funny and adorable and caring and adventurous and such a happy spirit. I don't know why he chooses to love me, but he does. I spent a long time questioning everything I knew about love but I guess I just needed the right person to come along. he makes me believe in good things again.

there were nights I'd stay awake wondering if I'd ever get my life together. I wondered how the pieces would fit together or if I'd even make it to 22. but here I am. I put effort into loving my life again and things started to fall in place. I am genuinely happy. I wake up each morning and smile because for the first time in forever, I like where I am at. it's the best feeling ever.

control yourself, take only what you need from it

don't ever ask for more. don't ever expect it either.
know what the situation is and know what you can get from it.
and that's it.

future prediction:

so it's July now.

let me make some predictions because I don't think I'm stupid. I know what's going on in my life and how things will end, I just choose to blindly stumble forward and ignore every ounce of sense I have.

six months from now, things will not be worked out. you will be reminded that you are just the girl who was available. it will be confirmed that you felt more than anybody would ever reciprocate to you. it will be confirmed that you are stupid and should have listened to the advice of everybody involved in your life. you can't change people or save them. some people are broken and only they can save themselves. hopefully they can be saved at least. but then again, maybe they won't be. maybe they'll live within themselves until they realize it's too late. it's not your problem. your only problem is yourself.

hopefully by now you're closer to having a "big girl job" and fulfilling some dream of yours. hopefully... you're happy. you deserve to be happy.

right now you think you aren't lovable and things look bleak, but who knows. maybe what you need is right around the corner. stay strong. even if things suck ass, chin up. life is moving fast so you gotta too.

"tell me about yourself"

I'm a broken spirit
with a fucked up mind
in this tired, sleep-deprived body.

all I have left is this heart of mine.
it's been broken, battered,
but it's still beating.
it's all I have to offer.

could that ever be enough?

btw

if anyone ever finds this blog,
whoop-dee-do

it's not like the url is any shock or anything. been using this for years now.

and if you come across this,
it means you care. why do you care exactly? tell me.

oh...... and I take no more responsibility for old Catherine's blog posts. like pre-2014 is a fucking mess. I don't know who that bitch is anymore but she cray.

that's how you are when you don't see the bigger picture ahead of you. that's how you are when you don't know your priorities and are blinded by words other people feed you. glad that phase of my life is done with.

fuck

I did a 4-mile hike today (up & down) and was the ONLY closer in my department at work today on one of the biggest sale days of the year. you think I'd be tired.

nope.
wide. fucking. awake.

post-valentine's day

my late night thoughts:

• I saw what he did for her today and I almost cried. not from being sad or mad... but because I'm just so fucking proud. I'm so happy that from something negative like our break up, he was able to grow and become the person I always wanted him to be. for five years, all I wanted to hear was "I'll fight for you, I'll be a better man" and I didn't hear it until we broke up. it was too late for us... but there are always new beginnings and now he's a better man for her. he chose to grow from the experience and it makes me so happy to see him happy. I look at him and I don't feel hatred or resentment or anything. I look at him and think "there's an old friend. I hope he's doing well." if I took him back, would he have changed? absolutely not. everything has to happen for a reason.
• me on the other hand? I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. my biggest fear is falling for someone who won't catch me... because hitting the ground fucking hurts. it really, truly does. life stays fucking me over... do I really need to be hurt again? people told me I broke his heart after the break up... but what they don't know is that he broke my heart little by little over our entire relationship. I don't think I can stand anymore hurt. do I take a leap of faith? or play it safe and flee? I don't know. I tried so hard not to fall but I don't think my efforts did any good. because here I am, 2:56am... thinking about someone who probably doesn't even give two fucks about me. 
• but here's the thing, I can't settle. I settled for a long time and I ended up just stuck in one place, yearning for change. if the people in my life right now can't see what they have in front of them... it's just got to be on to the next. no, I'm not in love right now. could I be? I could see it. but what matters is the here and now.
• I'm young. I can stand to be alone a lot longer than I have been.
• I'd be an indecisive, anxious, overprotective, clingy, annoying girlfriend but then again..
• I'd be fucking loyal, trustworthy, and love with all my heart. what more can you expect from someone? I'd listen to the little details and make sure you knew you were loved. that's me. I either love you or I don't. you'd never have to wonder.

that's all. 

late night thoughts

things eventually work themselves out... for better or for worse.

things I dreaded ended up being okay.
things I didn't see coming ended up being okay.
The universe works in some mysterious ways.

it's weird putting your faith in something greater than you. but I'll do it. I'll have faith that eventually I'll end up where I need to be. it may be a ways from now but I'll just sit back and try to enjoy the journey as best as I can.

be a warrior not a worrier........ right?

sick and tired

I don't want to feel stressed out anymore.

I used to think I was weak... but during the past 2 years I figured out that I'm a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. I lost some momentum at the end of last year but I'll gain it back. I'm turning 22 this year and that alone is enough motivation to get my shit together.

I'm not a fucking kid anymore.

also worth noting:

when something in my life seems too good to be true,
it usually is.

life has dealt me some fucked up cards but I'm still standing.
barely,
but I'm here.

feelings

sometimes I hate talking about feelings and I now know why.
when you admit you have feelings for someone, you're giving them the ability to hurt you. it's not even about love or anything that deep. just simple little emotions. if you feel for someone, you're vulnerable. simple as that.

I don't want to feel vulnerable but there's no reward without the risk.

speaking of risks, I've never been a risk taker.
I've played by the rules and waited patiently for things in my life to fall into place.
but that obviously hasn't been working. and I tweeted this once but it's worth mentioning again:

At the end of the day, everything has its risks.
You just need to figure out what's worth a closer look
and what you need to leave behind.

-an o.g quote

maybe it's time I became a risk taker.
21 years young, what have I got to lose.

whatever happens, happens

I think I've been feeling down because I'm stuck in this little box
at home, with school and work and responsibilities and feelings.

but once I'm done with school, wow I'll be fucking free
I can't wait to leave the country and experience new things and take pretty pictures
and spend time with my family and friends stress-free.

thinking about summer makes me so happy. I cannot wait. I want to be in my little denim cutoffs and sunglasses, conquering the world one tan line at a time. I thought I was starting to get lonely, but maybe it's just the wintery drear. Come summer, I'll be happy to be free.

Summer 2014 -- come sooner!

okay

I'll be fine.
I'll be okay.

I'll fix myself one crack at a time.

dreams

oh yeah,
I had a dream last night.

It was mostly really random. but then there I was, sitting on the black leather couch in my family room. and my dad was sitting next to me. he didn't say anything. usually he doesn't say anything in my dreams. but he looked me in the eye. his face was still crooked from the stroke he had in 2001. I grabbed his arm and linked mine through his. I could feel his dry, crackled skin. then somehow he held both my hands. and then, he was gone.

I also dreamed about my wedding and being on a plane with some coworkers going to St. Louis and they were bumping Tyga's music lol.

I had a lot of dreams with dad in the weeks after he died. but I hadn't seen him since. I miss him so much.

self-loathing

sometimes, I really really really really hate myself.

I give great advice, but why can't I take my own? why do I do stupid shit I know will hurt me in the long-run?

I think... maybe I think I'm invincible. I think nothing can touch me. but I'm so wrong. everything touches me. every insignificant detail reaches out and cradles my emotions.

midway through last year, I learned to value myself enough to leave a bad relationship. I picked up my heart, walked out, and never fucking looked back. that was the smartest decision I've ever made. but that's about it. I don't regret the things I did. I just regret not walking away earlier. I think that's my thing. I stick around, waiting for things to work out or change, but they don't. I walk in knowing it's a hopeless situation but I stay hoping to make an impact. But I never do.

reality is, I'm not that great. I look cute sometimes, under the right circumstances. sometimes I can crack a joke or two. I've got average intelligence. the only good things I can do is roll a pretty blunt and handle my liquor. And I take care of the people I love. But sometimes too much care, even when I don't receive any back.

and... I love too much and too freely. I stumble upon my thoughts. I get immense waves of sadness even when there's a smile on my face. I get quiet when I think. And I think about everything. I'm always too hopeful. I never know the right things to say. I'm a homebody. I like to be alone a lot of the time. I'm always scared of people leaving me. I'm always scared of everything. I shut down when I get stressed. I try to fix things that aren't fixable. I'm just a fucking broken, damaged, mess. and I understand why nobody lets me hold onto them long enough to change their minds.

love logic

love is so weird. it really sucks sometimes. you spend years loving someone only to eventually realize you’re not meant to be together. you find yourself falling for someone who in turn breaks your heart and makes you realize they never gave two shits about you. you now find yourself scared to even think about love. you’re just having fun now but what if you fall again?

you see your friends in love and you’re truly happy for them. it’s not that you want a relationship right now, you’re just scared you may never find love again. because what if you don’t? what if everyone is just out to break your heart? or what if you’re so broken that you end up pushing everyone away, even the right ones?

I think love sucks… unless you find the right person. but who’s guaranteeing you’ll find the right person? nobody. therefore, love still sucks.