it's like this

I thought things wouldn't get affected and I thought I could be the mature person who looks away and moves on with her life. but I'm still the same girl I was a year and seven months ago. I'm still the person who is only okay as long as she doesn't remember things because when she does, all her indecision comes back as if it had never left. I love him and none of that has changed but I'm tired of getting tested over and over again. if it's not this, it's that. if it's not that, it's this. sometimes I want to and the words are on the tip of my tongue but I just can't. even when people tell me I should, I just can't. it's almost impossible for me to do it because nothing about him has changed, nothing about me has changed. it's all about the stupid shit that comes along and ruins everything. every bit of happiness and perfection shattered now because I can't make up my mind about anything that's happened. it's not such a big deal, sure. but it's something added to everything we've accumulated over the past almost two years. I don't know. I thought I could get over everything and it's clear that I can't. every time I feel like we're okay again, something has to come along and remind me that we're not. we're not okay. we're anything but okay. I'm dangling things over his head and he's getting annoyed with it. I keep changing my mind and being bipolar and he's annoyed of that too. he's trying, but it's not enough for me at the moment. I've said mean and hurtful things but I still feel like we're uneven. I miss how we used to be. I miss the times when our relationship was new and blooming, unaffected by the rays of drama. but it's not like that anymore. it's like any piece of the sun we get to see is a blessing, a rarity. it's just so hard. I don't like what I'm doing either. I just want to make a decision and stick with it. but that's not the way my mind works. my mind works in such weird ways. one minute I'm practically exploding with happiness, the next I curl up into a ball and cry into my pillow. it's sickening when I think about it, but that's just how I am lately. no no no, it's not a big deal. but it's a breaking point. it's uncovered every bit of ugliness from day 1 until now and it's too much for me to handle. what have I ever done wrong? how am I to blame? the answer is yeah, I've fucked up before, but it's not even. am I to blame? idk, I could be. maybe everything's my fault. maybe I should just make up my damn mind before I go insane. maybe it's time. maybe it's not! maybe I shouldn't because things will blow over and our relationship will show no signs of struggle as it approaches its second year. maybe I can just close my eyes and pray for the best.

idk

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

same shit, different day

isn't that called "constipation"?

lmfao, love failbooking. another day, hurray.
got my pacsun jeans in today. bullheads used to fit big on me but I guess the newer styles don't apply to this rule cause I got 3/4 jeans that don't fit good.... fail.
I might keep them anyways though cause they were cheap as dirt and their store policies suck ass.

Jacky Li is sleeping on my couch at the moment curled up with my purple stuffed lamb and my pink blankey. I hate him sometimes but it's hard to hate a creeper like him who comes over to watch me sleep then ends up falling asleep with all my stuff. sigghhhhh. who knows what's going on with us. it's like a really bad movie with a shitty plot line where the audience walks out of the theatre utterly confused about what they just saw. like freaking Prom Night. the whole time between closing my eyes and cringing I was like "wtf? uhm.... a lot of people died... great movie. what was it even about?" only yeah, nobody here's dying. yet. sikeeeeeee. okay, off to wake up my fatass and claim my belongings back.

hi, Blogger

I haven't been keeping up with 365
I haven't been making anymore youtube vids
I haven't signed onto tumblr for awhile
& as you can tell, I haven't blogged for awhile.
I slept til 2pm today
diesel prices went up
my freaking camera remote is lost pretty much for good
I hella need to clean my car
I miss Emily
I miss my friends
I miss taking pictures
I miss having stress to keep me in line with my obligations
I want to go back in time. make it exactly a year and seven months ago.
I want my paycheck today
I want to go on vacation far, far away for just a little bit
I want to scream really loud for the world to hear
I want to beat everyone up

my mood sucks, this weather sucks, talking about breaking up sucks, everything sucks only for today. tomorrow I'll be back to my normal self. I just needed a day of being depressed so I can get over it. and I make no sense. I slept so well I'm tired. I feel like I need another nap. yawwwwwn.

maybe we're bent and broken (312/365)

maybe we're bent and broken (312/365), originally uploaded by ohhh catherine.

last day of the quarter was today.
and I can't believe how confident I am in the decision I made to do running start. the word "college" has had me freaking out for the past couple months and really, all my life. then I remember that I'm actually in college and I'm learning with adults and I'm maturing and growing faster than I ever would have in high school.

yeah... it sucks that my friends leave me out of everything. oh wait, I meant "friends". so funny how the phrase "out of sight, out of mind" works. I wasn't even gone when they started excluding me. but it's whatever. I have the people I need and I'm onto bigger and better things for myself. "they" may not have confidence in me but I'm starting to care less and less now. my actual friends support me and they believe in what I want to do, even when I don't.

this is so long. but I'm not done.

it's just so annoying. some of my friends I don't ever talk to anymore, but when we talk again, it's like we still go to the same school and are in the same classes and all that. then I talk to other people and it's all awkward and they act like they don't really know me after the small talk's been said. wtf, last I checked I thought we were still FRIENDS. and people wonder why JL and I are always together... maybe it's because he makes up one-third of my real friends. friends that I know won't suddenly change their mind about me just because.

but it's okay, cause I'm glad I got the hell out of high school.

halfway done

yeeeee. now I just got the other side to do.

new but thrifted charcoal blazer - $1.99
bag of gold buttons - $2.50

now I got the other side to finish tonight.

insomnia

I feel like staying up until 5am then sleeping for an hour before I start a new day.

Ho, hum. I love my aquarium pictures so much, I decided to make one my new blogger header, hahah. still gotta edit the rest. I took a lot but the lighting made most movement blurry. lame, I need a good separate flash unit for my camera.

hmmmm. I think I'm going to read fml and mlia until I fall asleep. I feel tired but just not like sleeping now. it's like once I'm past a certain point, I don't even feel like sleeping. I just feel tired and lethargic. and yeah... goodnight I guess.

oddly content

dreamland (301/365), originally uploaded by ohhh catherine.

for this past week work has taken place at the Convention Center which is thankfully only 10 minutes away from Seattle Central. yesterday though, I skipped my first two classes because we all went to the Seattle Aquarium BEFORE it even opened to film. then we went to the top of the space needle and the restaurant there to film as well before it was open. then back to the convention center. best day of work ever.

and then today I slept til 12pm like I do on weekends now. oh, and I get a new phone. very, very exciting. and... hm. oh yeah, got lots of projects to do/complete tomorrow. and I feel so drowsy and tired right now for some reason, but content. this week has been a pretty good one.