Merry Christmas

it didn't feel like Christmas at all.
maybe the novelty of holidays is wearing off already...
but I'm only 21?
maybe my holiday spirit will come back to me soon.

this year just sucked so badly, I'm counting down the days til 2014.

I had a dream it was summer. I was wearing high-waisted shorts. the sun was beaming down on me. I can't wait until it comes around again.

11:11

I still make wishes at 11:11.
I still make pinky promises too.

it seems kinda dumb. I guess it's the kid in me. refusing to grow up and clinging on to a time in my life when everything was innocent and made sense. it's the way ice cream makes me feel. it reminds me of when I would get home from kindergarten and ask my dad to scoop me a bowl. then we'd sit side-by-side on the couch and watch TV. I felt comforted, protected, content.

I used to wish for money and success at 11:11. now I know better. I can work for those things. I can make it happen without some supernatural wish based on the time of day it is.

now I wish for something else. something I can't seem to achieve on my own. something I want and crave but just can't seem to grab a hold of anymore.

I hope it comes true soon.

lessons from people no longer in my life

1. he taught me not to wear my heart on my sleeve
2. she taught me "friends forever" doesn't mean shit
3. he taught me I was capable of being loved
4. he taught me not to get attached and how to let go
5. she taught me that even family can't be trusted sometimes
6. he taught me to fight for my beliefs and never give up
7. he taught me I can't fix or save everyone I love

it's sad when someone walks out of your life
or when you're the one forced to walk away.
it's worse when they were taken from you - death
but either way,
I believe everything happens for a reason
so these are the lessons I learned.

and when it's over...

it makes you wonder:
was it real?

what was the purpose?
what lesson did I learn here?

will I ever find it again?

...or will I find something better?

true love?

how is it that of all the people in the world, only one single being is "meant" for you? is that even possible? people find their soulmates all the time. but will I? how will I even know? what if I meet my soulmate but fuck it up and end up alone with 2048 cats?

being now single after 5 years in a relationship, sometimes friends ask me what I want in a guy. it's pretty simple.

I want someone funny, who can make me laugh even with tears in my eyes. someone with ambition who never wants to settle for mundane. someone who will protect me and care about my well-being. someone who will stay up late with me just to talk. someone I can tell all my secrets to. someone who will accept me for who I am, demons and all. someone who will be loyal to me. someone who doesn't have to depend on me for everything. someone who will know what kind of person I am and trust me. someone that will inspire me to be the best person I can possibly be.

I want a love that sets me on fire and makes me wonder why I ever thought I'd be better off alone.

but maybe that's just too much to ask for. at this point in my life, do I think it'll happen? probably not.

anxiety

everyone has anxiety but to what point does it become unbearable?

the best way I can describe generalized anxiety disorder is being depressed but having ADD at the same time. you're unmotivated, you've lost interest in school, work, hobbies, friends, etc., you're irritable and you don't know why. all you want to do is lay in bed and stare at your ceiling even when you have a to-do list as thick as a telephone book. your body is doing nothing but your brain is active. it won't stop analyzing and replaying scenes from your life. if the average person spends 10 seconds thinking about something, someone with GAD will take 10 times that over the course of many different periods. my brain never sleeps, it's constantly switching from thought to thought until it exhausts itself and starts feeling numb and fuzzy. sometimes all you want is a moment of peace in your head but they're so so so hard to come by.

another way to describe it (via Tumblr): my brain just has too many tabs open.
if you have too many tabs open on IE, Firefox, Chrome, or whathaveyou... eventually the window will freeze.

at times my brain is a well-oiled machine, producing reasonable thoughts and spending a minimal amount of time on them. other times, especially when I'm stressed, it just doesn't fucking stop. I'm drained of all my energy yet my brain keeps me up at night. I can't sleep but that's all I really need some nights.

what do I have anxiety about? everything. I think about the past, I think about interactions I have with people, I think about where my life is headed, I think about the people who've done me wrong, I think about people I want to do right by, I think about how I want the future to play out, I think about what could be, I think about regrets and mistakes, I think about what I should have done, I think about what I want to do, I think about everything.

anxiety is my biggest demon and it always will be.

hiatus?

haven't written in here in 2+ years.
so much has changed since then.

• I started at the University of Washington 09/2011
• I moved out into a dorm
• I started smoking weed
• my dad died last July
• I moved out to my own apartment 
• threw some parties, fucked some shit up
• I moved back home
• I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years
• I stopped smoking weed 
• I was happy then I was let down
• I turned 21
• I drink a lot now
• & now I'm knowingly walking into a situation where I know I'll get let down again

2+ years and I guess I still haven't learned.

life

the saddest thing in the world is waking up one day and realizing you've grown apart from the person you love. when you've spent nearly 1/5 of your life loving someone, it's hard to picture life without them all of a sudden. but things change, people change. even if you stay the exact same, the other person can change overnight. or maybe you grew up and they didn't. whatever it is, sometimes things don't work out the way you want them to. it's a crossroad where either you try again at your declining relationship or you call it quits and separate. no matter how many nights you spend awake together talking and crying, sometimes things just can't be fixed. best case scenario, you take some time apart and hope absence will make your hearts grow fonder. maybe you will wake up and realize that you're meant to be together. or worst case scenario, you take some time apart and you never come back. we both knew college would put a strain on things, but we never thought it'd do this.

draft from 12/2011.
never finished it.