post-valentine's day

my late night thoughts:

• I saw what he did for her today and I almost cried. not from being sad or mad... but because I'm just so fucking proud. I'm so happy that from something negative like our break up, he was able to grow and become the person I always wanted him to be. for five years, all I wanted to hear was "I'll fight for you, I'll be a better man" and I didn't hear it until we broke up. it was too late for us... but there are always new beginnings and now he's a better man for her. he chose to grow from the experience and it makes me so happy to see him happy. I look at him and I don't feel hatred or resentment or anything. I look at him and think "there's an old friend. I hope he's doing well." if I took him back, would he have changed? absolutely not. everything has to happen for a reason.
• me on the other hand? I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. my biggest fear is falling for someone who won't catch me... because hitting the ground fucking hurts. it really, truly does. life stays fucking me over... do I really need to be hurt again? people told me I broke his heart after the break up... but what they don't know is that he broke my heart little by little over our entire relationship. I don't think I can stand anymore hurt. do I take a leap of faith? or play it safe and flee? I don't know. I tried so hard not to fall but I don't think my efforts did any good. because here I am, 2:56am... thinking about someone who probably doesn't even give two fucks about me. 
• but here's the thing, I can't settle. I settled for a long time and I ended up just stuck in one place, yearning for change. if the people in my life right now can't see what they have in front of them... it's just got to be on to the next. no, I'm not in love right now. could I be? I could see it. but what matters is the here and now.
• I'm young. I can stand to be alone a lot longer than I have been.
• I'd be an indecisive, anxious, overprotective, clingy, annoying girlfriend but then again..
• I'd be fucking loyal, trustworthy, and love with all my heart. what more can you expect from someone? I'd listen to the little details and make sure you knew you were loved. that's me. I either love you or I don't. you'd never have to wonder.

that's all.