self-loathing

sometimes, I really really really really hate myself.

I give great advice, but why can't I take my own? why do I do stupid shit I know will hurt me in the long-run?

I think... maybe I think I'm invincible. I think nothing can touch me. but I'm so wrong. everything touches me. every insignificant detail reaches out and cradles my emotions.

midway through last year, I learned to value myself enough to leave a bad relationship. I picked up my heart, walked out, and never fucking looked back. that was the smartest decision I've ever made. but that's about it. I don't regret the things I did. I just regret not walking away earlier. I think that's my thing. I stick around, waiting for things to work out or change, but they don't. I walk in knowing it's a hopeless situation but I stay hoping to make an impact. But I never do.

reality is, I'm not that great. I look cute sometimes, under the right circumstances. sometimes I can crack a joke or two. I've got average intelligence. the only good things I can do is roll a pretty blunt and handle my liquor. And I take care of the people I love. But sometimes too much care, even when I don't receive any back.

and... I love too much and too freely. I stumble upon my thoughts. I get immense waves of sadness even when there's a smile on my face. I get quiet when I think. And I think about everything. I'm always too hopeful. I never know the right things to say. I'm a homebody. I like to be alone a lot of the time. I'm always scared of people leaving me. I'm always scared of everything. I shut down when I get stressed. I try to fix things that aren't fixable. I'm just a fucking broken, damaged, mess. and I understand why nobody lets me hold onto them long enough to change their minds.