post-valentine's day

my late night thoughts:

• I saw what he did for her today and I almost cried. not from being sad or mad... but because I'm just so fucking proud. I'm so happy that from something negative like our break up, he was able to grow and become the person I always wanted him to be. for five years, all I wanted to hear was "I'll fight for you, I'll be a better man" and I didn't hear it until we broke up. it was too late for us... but there are always new beginnings and now he's a better man for her. he chose to grow from the experience and it makes me so happy to see him happy. I look at him and I don't feel hatred or resentment or anything. I look at him and think "there's an old friend. I hope he's doing well." if I took him back, would he have changed? absolutely not. everything has to happen for a reason.
• me on the other hand? I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. my biggest fear is falling for someone who won't catch me... because hitting the ground fucking hurts. it really, truly does. life stays fucking me over... do I really need to be hurt again? people told me I broke his heart after the break up... but what they don't know is that he broke my heart little by little over our entire relationship. I don't think I can stand anymore hurt. do I take a leap of faith? or play it safe and flee? I don't know. I tried so hard not to fall but I don't think my efforts did any good. because here I am, 2:56am... thinking about someone who probably doesn't even give two fucks about me. 
• but here's the thing, I can't settle. I settled for a long time and I ended up just stuck in one place, yearning for change. if the people in my life right now can't see what they have in front of them... it's just got to be on to the next. no, I'm not in love right now. could I be? I could see it. but what matters is the here and now.
• I'm young. I can stand to be alone a lot longer than I have been.
• I'd be an indecisive, anxious, overprotective, clingy, annoying girlfriend but then again..
• I'd be fucking loyal, trustworthy, and love with all my heart. what more can you expect from someone? I'd listen to the little details and make sure you knew you were loved. that's me. I either love you or I don't. you'd never have to wonder.

that's all. 

late night thoughts

things eventually work themselves out... for better or for worse.

things I dreaded ended up being okay.
things I didn't see coming ended up being okay.
The universe works in some mysterious ways.

it's weird putting your faith in something greater than you. but I'll do it. I'll have faith that eventually I'll end up where I need to be. it may be a ways from now but I'll just sit back and try to enjoy the journey as best as I can.

be a warrior not a worrier........ right?

sick and tired

I don't want to feel stressed out anymore.

I used to think I was weak... but during the past 2 years I figured out that I'm a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. I lost some momentum at the end of last year but I'll gain it back. I'm turning 22 this year and that alone is enough motivation to get my shit together.

I'm not a fucking kid anymore.

also worth noting:

when something in my life seems too good to be true,
it usually is.

life has dealt me some fucked up cards but I'm still standing.
barely,
but I'm here.

feelings

sometimes I hate talking about feelings and I now know why.
when you admit you have feelings for someone, you're giving them the ability to hurt you. it's not even about love or anything that deep. just simple little emotions. if you feel for someone, you're vulnerable. simple as that.

I don't want to feel vulnerable but there's no reward without the risk.

speaking of risks, I've never been a risk taker.
I've played by the rules and waited patiently for things in my life to fall into place.
but that obviously hasn't been working. and I tweeted this once but it's worth mentioning again:

At the end of the day, everything has its risks.
You just need to figure out what's worth a closer look
and what you need to leave behind.

-an o.g quote

maybe it's time I became a risk taker.
21 years young, what have I got to lose.

whatever happens, happens

I think I've been feeling down because I'm stuck in this little box
at home, with school and work and responsibilities and feelings.

but once I'm done with school, wow I'll be fucking free
I can't wait to leave the country and experience new things and take pretty pictures
and spend time with my family and friends stress-free.

thinking about summer makes me so happy. I cannot wait. I want to be in my little denim cutoffs and sunglasses, conquering the world one tan line at a time. I thought I was starting to get lonely, but maybe it's just the wintery drear. Come summer, I'll be happy to be free.

Summer 2014 -- come sooner!

okay

I'll be fine.
I'll be okay.

I'll fix myself one crack at a time.

dreams

oh yeah,
I had a dream last night.

It was mostly really random. but then there I was, sitting on the black leather couch in my family room. and my dad was sitting next to me. he didn't say anything. usually he doesn't say anything in my dreams. but he looked me in the eye. his face was still crooked from the stroke he had in 2001. I grabbed his arm and linked mine through his. I could feel his dry, crackled skin. then somehow he held both my hands. and then, he was gone.

I also dreamed about my wedding and being on a plane with some coworkers going to St. Louis and they were bumping Tyga's music lol.

I had a lot of dreams with dad in the weeks after he died. but I hadn't seen him since. I miss him so much.

self-loathing

sometimes, I really really really really hate myself.

I give great advice, but why can't I take my own? why do I do stupid shit I know will hurt me in the long-run?

I think... maybe I think I'm invincible. I think nothing can touch me. but I'm so wrong. everything touches me. every insignificant detail reaches out and cradles my emotions.

midway through last year, I learned to value myself enough to leave a bad relationship. I picked up my heart, walked out, and never fucking looked back. that was the smartest decision I've ever made. but that's about it. I don't regret the things I did. I just regret not walking away earlier. I think that's my thing. I stick around, waiting for things to work out or change, but they don't. I walk in knowing it's a hopeless situation but I stay hoping to make an impact. But I never do.

reality is, I'm not that great. I look cute sometimes, under the right circumstances. sometimes I can crack a joke or two. I've got average intelligence. the only good things I can do is roll a pretty blunt and handle my liquor. And I take care of the people I love. But sometimes too much care, even when I don't receive any back.

and... I love too much and too freely. I stumble upon my thoughts. I get immense waves of sadness even when there's a smile on my face. I get quiet when I think. And I think about everything. I'm always too hopeful. I never know the right things to say. I'm a homebody. I like to be alone a lot of the time. I'm always scared of people leaving me. I'm always scared of everything. I shut down when I get stressed. I try to fix things that aren't fixable. I'm just a fucking broken, damaged, mess. and I understand why nobody lets me hold onto them long enough to change their minds.

love logic

love is so weird. it really sucks sometimes. you spend years loving someone only to eventually realize you’re not meant to be together. you find yourself falling for someone who in turn breaks your heart and makes you realize they never gave two shits about you. you now find yourself scared to even think about love. you’re just having fun now but what if you fall again?

you see your friends in love and you’re truly happy for them. it’s not that you want a relationship right now, you’re just scared you may never find love again. because what if you don’t? what if everyone is just out to break your heart? or what if you’re so broken that you end up pushing everyone away, even the right ones?

I think love sucks… unless you find the right person. but who’s guaranteeing you’ll find the right person? nobody. therefore, love still sucks.