and when it's over...

it makes you wonder:
was it real?

what was the purpose?
what lesson did I learn here?

will I ever find it again?

...or will I find something better?

true love?

how is it that of all the people in the world, only one single being is "meant" for you? is that even possible? people find their soulmates all the time. but will I? how will I even know? what if I meet my soulmate but fuck it up and end up alone with 2048 cats?

being now single after 5 years in a relationship, sometimes friends ask me what I want in a guy. it's pretty simple.

I want someone funny, who can make me laugh even with tears in my eyes. someone with ambition who never wants to settle for mundane. someone who will protect me and care about my well-being. someone who will stay up late with me just to talk. someone I can tell all my secrets to. someone who will accept me for who I am, demons and all. someone who will be loyal to me. someone who doesn't have to depend on me for everything. someone who will know what kind of person I am and trust me. someone that will inspire me to be the best person I can possibly be.

I want a love that sets me on fire and makes me wonder why I ever thought I'd be better off alone.

but maybe that's just too much to ask for. at this point in my life, do I think it'll happen? probably not.

anxiety

everyone has anxiety but to what point does it become unbearable?

the best way I can describe generalized anxiety disorder is being depressed but having ADD at the same time. you're unmotivated, you've lost interest in school, work, hobbies, friends, etc., you're irritable and you don't know why. all you want to do is lay in bed and stare at your ceiling even when you have a to-do list as thick as a telephone book. your body is doing nothing but your brain is active. it won't stop analyzing and replaying scenes from your life. if the average person spends 10 seconds thinking about something, someone with GAD will take 10 times that over the course of many different periods. my brain never sleeps, it's constantly switching from thought to thought until it exhausts itself and starts feeling numb and fuzzy. sometimes all you want is a moment of peace in your head but they're so so so hard to come by.

another way to describe it (via Tumblr): my brain just has too many tabs open.
if you have too many tabs open on IE, Firefox, Chrome, or whathaveyou... eventually the window will freeze.

at times my brain is a well-oiled machine, producing reasonable thoughts and spending a minimal amount of time on them. other times, especially when I'm stressed, it just doesn't fucking stop. I'm drained of all my energy yet my brain keeps me up at night. I can't sleep but that's all I really need some nights.

what do I have anxiety about? everything. I think about the past, I think about interactions I have with people, I think about where my life is headed, I think about the people who've done me wrong, I think about people I want to do right by, I think about how I want the future to play out, I think about what could be, I think about regrets and mistakes, I think about what I should have done, I think about what I want to do, I think about everything.

anxiety is my biggest demon and it always will be.

hiatus?

haven't written in here in 2+ years.
so much has changed since then.

• I started at the University of Washington 09/2011
• I moved out into a dorm
• I started smoking weed
• my dad died last July
• I moved out to my own apartment 
• threw some parties, fucked some shit up
• I moved back home
• I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years
• I stopped smoking weed 
• I was happy then I was let down
• I turned 21
• I drink a lot now
• & now I'm knowingly walking into a situation where I know I'll get let down again

2+ years and I guess I still haven't learned.

life

the saddest thing in the world is waking up one day and realizing you've grown apart from the person you love. when you've spent nearly 1/5 of your life loving someone, it's hard to picture life without them all of a sudden. but things change, people change. even if you stay the exact same, the other person can change overnight. or maybe you grew up and they didn't. whatever it is, sometimes things don't work out the way you want them to. it's a crossroad where either you try again at your declining relationship or you call it quits and separate. no matter how many nights you spend awake together talking and crying, sometimes things just can't be fixed. best case scenario, you take some time apart and hope absence will make your hearts grow fonder. maybe you will wake up and realize that you're meant to be together. or worst case scenario, you take some time apart and you never come back. we both knew college would put a strain on things, but we never thought it'd do this.

draft from 12/2011.
never finished it.

currently feeling foreveralone

my boo thang left to China today. won't see him for another month. what sucks most is that communication isn't guaranteed since facebook is blocked over there and he might not even have access to internet. sigh.

we have traditions now for when he goes to China or when I go to Vietnam. we write each other cute letters that we read once we've left the country. when he leaves, I add a couple pages to our scrapbook so that he can take it with him. the scrapbook is completely filled up minus one page at the end. I think I'll keep it for our UW graduation... or who knows after that ;)

the letter he wrote me made me cry like a baby lol. I love that boy and I miss him already.

only 32 days left...

almost one year later...

sigh. almost forgot about this blog.

basically, my life is the exact same. hahah. no, but really. except now I don't have as many college woes, I'm actually leaving my house in September, Emily is all big and mature now, and Jacky got me a beautiful, shiny topaz/diamond ring for our three year... things are very good right now.

huh, what?

everything is good minus college woes.
buttt are you forfuckingreal? I'm turning 18 in 3 months? I'm starting my second year of college in 2.5 months? I'm applying to universities in 5 months?

so unrealistic.

new header image!

yaaaay. took me awhile to make it -_-

october 26, 2010

is the day I will be an adult and I will do whatever I want to do. end of story.