anxiety

everyone has anxiety but to what point does it become unbearable?

the best way I can describe generalized anxiety disorder is being depressed but having ADD at the same time. you're unmotivated, you've lost interest in school, work, hobbies, friends, etc., you're irritable and you don't know why. all you want to do is lay in bed and stare at your ceiling even when you have a to-do list as thick as a telephone book. your body is doing nothing but your brain is active. it won't stop analyzing and replaying scenes from your life. if the average person spends 10 seconds thinking about something, someone with GAD will take 10 times that over the course of many different periods. my brain never sleeps, it's constantly switching from thought to thought until it exhausts itself and starts feeling numb and fuzzy. sometimes all you want is a moment of peace in your head but they're so so so hard to come by.

another way to describe it (via Tumblr): my brain just has too many tabs open.
if you have too many tabs open on IE, Firefox, Chrome, or whathaveyou... eventually the window will freeze.

at times my brain is a well-oiled machine, producing reasonable thoughts and spending a minimal amount of time on them. other times, especially when I'm stressed, it just doesn't fucking stop. I'm drained of all my energy yet my brain keeps me up at night. I can't sleep but that's all I really need some nights.

what do I have anxiety about? everything. I think about the past, I think about interactions I have with people, I think about where my life is headed, I think about the people who've done me wrong, I think about people I want to do right by, I think about how I want the future to play out, I think about what could be, I think about regrets and mistakes, I think about what I should have done, I think about what I want to do, I think about everything.

anxiety is my biggest demon and it always will be.