Down

A rant. A meaningful yet meaningless rant. Are you ready for it?

I'm so freaking tired of feeling beat up all the damn time. SERIOUSLY. I know that you have to move on from what happened in the past, that's been drilled into my brain so many times and I know it's true. Move on, let the past be the past. But what if I CAN'T? I'd love to move on from it and never have to think about it again. It's not easy. I've kept it off my mind for awhile now, but at night I always think. I don't go to sleep because I think. And nowadays, it's all I can think about. Once that thought is in my head, it can't get out. But then the more I think about it, the more I just want to scream into my pillow and cry myself out. Yeah, it's dramatic but true. It's not a thought that's like... completely separate from life right now. One simple thought about breakfast or T.V or almost anything and I can be reminded of it. It's like, sure I'm happy now. I'm so amazingly happy at times it scares me. It's scary just because... what if it just stops? This happiness, it's not like I can hold on to it for the rest of my life. That's so negative, but being oppomistic is what landed me in this hole. So yeah, happy. Happiness that I can see now... came at a price. I've let myself suffer by myself. JL and I are so honest with each other now... we don't hide things. Yet this, it's so important. It's been making me want to scream at the world for so long. I need to tell him. I need to tell someone.

Sounds bad, probably because I'm in this frenzy right now. It's not. No criminal wrong was done to me or anything like that. It's something so simple that I'm one in a billion. I just can't get over it. I can't even get my mind wrapped around it. How could this be eating me up for so long? I thought of a good analogy for it... so you have this container of... hm. Spaghetti. And it's all gross and messy inside the tupperware container. It's sealed inside, nothing gets in or out. But then! You put it through a test... like a microwave. Well, you accidentally put it in for too long because SPLAT. It's all over the fucking place now. The mess in my head, it's all over. Yes, that was the corniest thing that possibly EVER came out of my blogging, but still. I do not care because I'm in this frenzied state where I am so pissed off and sad and emotional and dramatic and exasperated.

I think I have a headache. I wish I could shrug this mess away. I've tried ignoring it, analyzing it, forgetting it, nothing's worked. I think now I have to talk about it. And I know exactly who to talk to. They need to realize the mess they've caused. If only I could just let misery be a part of the past.