future prediction:

so it's July now.

let me make some predictions because I don't think I'm stupid. I know what's going on in my life and how things will end, I just choose to blindly stumble forward and ignore every ounce of sense I have.

six months from now, things will not be worked out. you will be reminded that you are just the girl who was available. it will be confirmed that you felt more than anybody would ever reciprocate to you. it will be confirmed that you are stupid and should have listened to the advice of everybody involved in your life. you can't change people or save them. some people are broken and only they can save themselves. hopefully they can be saved at least. but then again, maybe they won't be. maybe they'll live within themselves until they realize it's too late. it's not your problem. your only problem is yourself.

hopefully by now you're closer to having a "big girl job" and fulfilling some dream of yours. hopefully... you're happy. you deserve to be happy.

right now you think you aren't lovable and things look bleak, but who knows. maybe what you need is right around the corner. stay strong. even if things suck ass, chin up. life is moving fast so you gotta too.

"tell me about yourself"

I'm a broken spirit
with a fucked up mind
in this tired, sleep-deprived body.

all I have left is this heart of mine.
it's been broken, battered,
but it's still beating.
it's all I have to offer.

could that ever be enough?

btw

if anyone ever finds this blog,
whoop-dee-do

it's not like the url is any shock or anything. been using this for years now.

and if you come across this,
it means you care. why do you care exactly? tell me.

oh...... and I take no more responsibility for old Catherine's blog posts. like pre-2014 is a fucking mess. I don't know who that bitch is anymore but she cray.

that's how you are when you don't see the bigger picture ahead of you. that's how you are when you don't know your priorities and are blinded by words other people feed you. glad that phase of my life is done with.

fuck

I did a 4-mile hike today (up & down) and was the ONLY closer in my department at work today on one of the biggest sale days of the year. you think I'd be tired.

nope.
wide. fucking. awake.

post-valentine's day

my late night thoughts:

• I saw what he did for her today and I almost cried. not from being sad or mad... but because I'm just so fucking proud. I'm so happy that from something negative like our break up, he was able to grow and become the person I always wanted him to be. for five years, all I wanted to hear was "I'll fight for you, I'll be a better man" and I didn't hear it until we broke up. it was too late for us... but there are always new beginnings and now he's a better man for her. he chose to grow from the experience and it makes me so happy to see him happy. I look at him and I don't feel hatred or resentment or anything. I look at him and think "there's an old friend. I hope he's doing well." if I took him back, would he have changed? absolutely not. everything has to happen for a reason.
• me on the other hand? I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. my biggest fear is falling for someone who won't catch me... because hitting the ground fucking hurts. it really, truly does. life stays fucking me over... do I really need to be hurt again? people told me I broke his heart after the break up... but what they don't know is that he broke my heart little by little over our entire relationship. I don't think I can stand anymore hurt. do I take a leap of faith? or play it safe and flee? I don't know. I tried so hard not to fall but I don't think my efforts did any good. because here I am, 2:56am... thinking about someone who probably doesn't even give two fucks about me. 
• but here's the thing, I can't settle. I settled for a long time and I ended up just stuck in one place, yearning for change. if the people in my life right now can't see what they have in front of them... it's just got to be on to the next. no, I'm not in love right now. could I be? I could see it. but what matters is the here and now.
• I'm young. I can stand to be alone a lot longer than I have been.
• I'd be an indecisive, anxious, overprotective, clingy, annoying girlfriend but then again..
• I'd be fucking loyal, trustworthy, and love with all my heart. what more can you expect from someone? I'd listen to the little details and make sure you knew you were loved. that's me. I either love you or I don't. you'd never have to wonder.

that's all. 

late night thoughts

things eventually work themselves out... for better or for worse.

things I dreaded ended up being okay.
things I didn't see coming ended up being okay.
The universe works in some mysterious ways.

it's weird putting your faith in something greater than you. but I'll do it. I'll have faith that eventually I'll end up where I need to be. it may be a ways from now but I'll just sit back and try to enjoy the journey as best as I can.

be a warrior not a worrier........ right?

sick and tired

I don't want to feel stressed out anymore.

I used to think I was weak... but during the past 2 years I figured out that I'm a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. I lost some momentum at the end of last year but I'll gain it back. I'm turning 22 this year and that alone is enough motivation to get my shit together.

I'm not a fucking kid anymore.

also worth noting:

when something in my life seems too good to be true,
it usually is.

life has dealt me some fucked up cards but I'm still standing.
barely,
but I'm here.

feelings

sometimes I hate talking about feelings and I now know why.
when you admit you have feelings for someone, you're giving them the ability to hurt you. it's not even about love or anything that deep. just simple little emotions. if you feel for someone, you're vulnerable. simple as that.

I don't want to feel vulnerable but there's no reward without the risk.

speaking of risks, I've never been a risk taker.
I've played by the rules and waited patiently for things in my life to fall into place.
but that obviously hasn't been working. and I tweeted this once but it's worth mentioning again:

At the end of the day, everything has its risks.
You just need to figure out what's worth a closer look
and what you need to leave behind.

-an o.g quote

maybe it's time I became a risk taker.
21 years young, what have I got to lose.

whatever happens, happens

I think I've been feeling down because I'm stuck in this little box
at home, with school and work and responsibilities and feelings.

but once I'm done with school, wow I'll be fucking free
I can't wait to leave the country and experience new things and take pretty pictures
and spend time with my family and friends stress-free.

thinking about summer makes me so happy. I cannot wait. I want to be in my little denim cutoffs and sunglasses, conquering the world one tan line at a time. I thought I was starting to get lonely, but maybe it's just the wintery drear. Come summer, I'll be happy to be free.

Summer 2014 -- come sooner!