it's like this

I thought things wouldn't get affected and I thought I could be the mature person who looks away and moves on with her life. but I'm still the same girl I was a year and seven months ago. I'm still the person who is only okay as long as she doesn't remember things because when she does, all her indecision comes back as if it had never left. I love him and none of that has changed but I'm tired of getting tested over and over again. if it's not this, it's that. if it's not that, it's this. sometimes I want to and the words are on the tip of my tongue but I just can't. even when people tell me I should, I just can't. it's almost impossible for me to do it because nothing about him has changed, nothing about me has changed. it's all about the stupid shit that comes along and ruins everything. every bit of happiness and perfection shattered now because I can't make up my mind about anything that's happened. it's not such a big deal, sure. but it's something added to everything we've accumulated over the past almost two years. I don't know. I thought I could get over everything and it's clear that I can't. every time I feel like we're okay again, something has to come along and remind me that we're not. we're not okay. we're anything but okay. I'm dangling things over his head and he's getting annoyed with it. I keep changing my mind and being bipolar and he's annoyed of that too. he's trying, but it's not enough for me at the moment. I've said mean and hurtful things but I still feel like we're uneven. I miss how we used to be. I miss the times when our relationship was new and blooming, unaffected by the rays of drama. but it's not like that anymore. it's like any piece of the sun we get to see is a blessing, a rarity. it's just so hard. I don't like what I'm doing either. I just want to make a decision and stick with it. but that's not the way my mind works. my mind works in such weird ways. one minute I'm practically exploding with happiness, the next I curl up into a ball and cry into my pillow. it's sickening when I think about it, but that's just how I am lately. no no no, it's not a big deal. but it's a breaking point. it's uncovered every bit of ugliness from day 1 until now and it's too much for me to handle. what have I ever done wrong? how am I to blame? the answer is yeah, I've fucked up before, but it's not even. am I to blame? idk, I could be. maybe everything's my fault. maybe I should just make up my damn mind before I go insane. maybe it's time. maybe it's not! maybe I shouldn't because things will blow over and our relationship will show no signs of struggle as it approaches its second year. maybe I can just close my eyes and pray for the best.